Once you discover that your big feelings don't really 'make sense' to those around you - caregivers, siblings, friends at school - you learn it's often best to keep them to yourself. Pretending is something that anxious types get good at early in life. Like I'm somehow just in everybody's way." The power of pretendingĪll of those 'out of my comfort zone' things I've done, like playing shows or public speaking, they're a testament to the power of pretending. "That's how I feel most of the time, when I'm out in the world. I imagine how exposed they must feel right at this moment, and I find myself thinking… On the drive back from the supermarket, I see someone who's managed to get stuck in the middle of a busy intersection when the lights changed, and is now blocking two lanes of rush hour traffic. And yet, much of everyday life still stresses me out for reasons I can't explain.
I remember every little thing professional#
I'm a reliable, capable person in both my professional and my personal life. Was I often terrified while doing these things? Yes! But I figured, if I'm going to feel this nervous all the time for no particular reason, I might as well be doing something interesting? In my 20s I traveled the world as a musician, playing shows to thousands of people. Which apparently makes me some kind of exotic and possibly dangerous creature in the eyes of many people. (And it's not just my breezy, mid-summer pandemic vibe, mask and dark glasses hiding my facial expressions.) But the thing is, I don't look like a nervous person. I've been the anxious type almost as far back as I can remember.
You can't explain it to anyone else, because you can't really explain it to yourself.Įven as I write this, I feel compelled to say… what? I'm not really this neurotic? I'd be a completely relaxed and chilled-out person if only I wasn't so freaked out all the time? If you or anyone you know needs help: You know how ridiculous it sounds to think things like, "God, that shopping trip was an ordeal" - and yet, you still feel like it was.Īnxiety is the ability to experience inconsequential things as extremely high stakes, for no clear reason.
Whatever you want to call it, at the heart of this experience is a paradox. Nervousness, chronic tension, being an anxious bean. Driving to work or doing errands, nervousness can creep into many aspects of life.
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